i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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