I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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