sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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