Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
