if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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