Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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