I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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