I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
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When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
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I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?