I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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