You made me cry and you don't even care
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Randomize
