1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
21 Embarrassing Stories From Adults Who’ve Crapped Their Pants
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.