you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
These 19 Men’s Fashion Mistakes are Unforgivable, According to Women
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
25 Cringeworthy Below the Pants Injuries
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.