If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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