we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
love makes seman taste better
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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