I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
