i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
