sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize