remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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