She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
