What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
