I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
