So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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