based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
