Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
