i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
