I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
