dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
