I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
