I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
