I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Randomize
