Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
