I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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