I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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