I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
