Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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