The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
