are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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