I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
