We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
