I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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