I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
