I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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