Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
