I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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