I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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