did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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