I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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