No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
