i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
home. puking in laundry basket.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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