this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
