Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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