If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.