i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage