I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?