At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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