That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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