oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
