i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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