She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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