who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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