so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
