This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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