textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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