yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
