i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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