what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
