The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
