Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Randomize
